Understanding a Shame-Based Personality

From: http://onlinecounsellingcollege.tumblr.com/

There is a difference between blaming and shaming a person. Blaming is being told you did something wrong. Shaming is being told that there’s something wrong with you, and you’re worthless, bad, inferior or inadequate. Examples of shaming statements include:

• “You were a mistake; I wish I’d never had you”
• “You’re useless; you’ll never amount to anything.”
• “You could never do what he/she does”
• “You’ve ruined my life; you ruin everything for everyone”

Adults shamed in childhood have the following 12 traits:

1. They are afraid to share their true thoughts and feelings with others.
2. They are terrified of intimacy and put up walls in relationships. They also fear commitment as they expect to be rejected.
3. They are often extremely shy, easily embarrassed, and are terrified of being shamed or humiliated. They tend to suffer from debilitating false guilt.
4. They struggle with feelings of worthlessness and believe they are inferior to others. They believe that is something they can never change as worthlessness is at the core of who they are.
5. They often feel ugly and flawed, even when they’re beautiful – and everyone tells them that.
6. They may be narcissistic and act as if they have it all together; alternatively, they may be completely selfless, almost to the point of being a doormat.
7. They are often very defensive and find it hard to bear the slightest criticism. They feel as if they are being constantly watched and judged.
8. They have a pervasive sense of loneliness and always feel like outsiders (even when others genuinely like and love them).
9. They feel controlled – as if they always have to do want others want and say – and this blocks spontaneity.
10. They are perfectionists and usually suffer from performance anxiety. This may also cause them to be procrastinators.
11. They tend to block their feelings through compulsive behaviors like eating disorders, retail therapy or substance-abuse.
12. They find it hard to establish and enforce healthy boundaries with others.

Date Who?

Date a guy who reads. Ever seen a guy spend thousands of bucks at a bookstore. Bookmark him. He is probably the kind of guy you’d like to marry.

Find a guy who loves to read, and I can show you a philosopher, a romantic and a brave-heart. You’ll know him the moment you see him, by the detached look on his face, as if he does not connect with the world except the one that exists in his books. If his eyes light up on seeing a Orhan Pamuk or a Ernest Hemingway, He is the guy.

Ssshhhh !! Just heard a wolf whistle? That’s probably when the guy has found a rare book that he has been searching for days together. Can’t you see that the pages of the book that he carries around are still looking crisp and fresh? He can’t bear to see them soiled. He handles them so carefully, lest they get hurt. It hurts him to see a book without its cover or dog-eared pages and quickly sets about repairing them.

He’s the guy who is having the silently funny conversation with the librarian in the archives. And for a change the librarian is actually talking to him and she is even smiling at him now. Makes you wonder what sort of a charm does he cast. Ask him if he is interested in visiting a used-books stall after the library and he will be taken in.

He is the guy who when sitting in a bus, does not mind the jittery ride and continues to read the book, oblivious to all those beautiful girls around him. He does mind you stepping on his toes as long as you don’t let him take his eyes off his book. No !!! Don’t disturb him now. You are most likely to get an angry glare. Perhaps you might even be ignored.

Don’t pretend in front of him. He can see through you if you are saying things just to sound intelligent. Buy him a cup of coffee and make him talk on the books he loves. You can listen to his eloquent words for hours together. Don’t be scared if you get lost in Middle Earth. He will guide you through. Faust confuses you? He will explain the metaphor to you. He is the guy who does not realize that his tea has become cold and formed layers once he gets his hand on a book. Offer to buy him a book and he will follow you to the end of the world.

Get him books for his birthday, for New Year and Valentine’s Day as well. He is not going to complain. And of course, don’t forget to get the books listed on his wish list for Christmas. The man lives in his own world. No fault of his if he wants his life to resemble his favorite book. It’s probably the only thing he understands.

Disappoint him. Because a man who reads knows that the ointment for disappointment is books. You need not always be there for him. Gift him a book and he will feel your presence. Don’t be something that you are not, to him. He knows that people are like characters. It takes them time to grow. If you find a man who reads, keep him away from society. He is a prized catch.

If you find him depressed for days together, ask him the title of the book that he read. Understand what the story meant to him and hold him. Yes!! Hold him. He needs it very badly. He may not cry, but his hug will speak a thousand words, and his smile will make your day. Prod him and he will talk. He will speak on how he felt as if he was inside the book, and how the decision of the protagonists changed his view on things.

Propose to him – with a bookmark. He will understand. In case he doesn’t, send him a couple of books with a telegram. And when even that doesn’t give him the clue, Write a book and ask him to proofread.

Don’t be surprised if he names your kids with strange names. That was bound to happen. He will show your children the philosophy of being altruistic. He will show the kids how it feels to stop by woods on a snowy evening. And perhaps someday he will show his kids that there is a greater heaven. Who knows, someday you might just be reciting “Lochinvar” under your breath as you walk with him to the supermarket.

Date a guy who reads because you deserve it. He can make your life colorful and yet make you feel grounded. Don’t tempt him with vices of the material world, they mean nothing to him. Show him the way to the world of books and he will show you the way to his heart.

Or better yet, date a guy who writes.

A Man in Love.

We boys don’t get butterflies, we get fireworks. We don’t have you on our mind 24/7, but we do have you on our hearts. Often, yes we wait for you to go online, sometimes simply even just being online makes our heart skip a beat, even if we don’t talk. Whenever you talk to us, our face forms that half-smile; it means we are happy but are trying our hardest to not show it, and fail at hiding it. We do miss you all the time; granted, we’d spend all our time with you if possible. We don’t think of the smallest things you say, we think of every word you say, panicking at every single word, trying to define what it really means, to read between the lines. But wait there’s more.

We would love you in a million ways. And once we start loving you there is no going back for us. No matter how hard we try we will always love a girl that has touched us. Us boys when in love will think of that girl first thing in the morning, and think of that girl last before we sleep at night. Whenever we see a couple, our thoughts immediately jump to that girl, and imagine that the couple was us. Every single detail about her is loved; the way she walks, talks, speaks. The sound of her voice. Her laughter. The sparkle in her eyes. Her shy smile. The way she dresses. That cute face she makes when she’s asleep. And the way she says our name that our hearts just explode with mirth, a simple act that no-one else can replicate.

A boy in love with a girl is no simple thing, though ladies stereotype us guys as simple. A man in love is not simple. No. He will be unpredictable. He will be persistent, stubborn, and given the circumstances, if it means carrying you from one side of the world to the other to win your heart, a man in love would. He will be a martyr, giving his all and asking for almost none. He will show you how to appreciate the beauty of the world in a thousand ways, and then he will tell you how much he appreciates your beauty in a million ways.

A man in love is no simple thing.

BENEFITS OF SMILING:

A cheefrul look brings joy to the heart, and good news gives health to the bones.
——-Proverbs 15:30 (New International Version)

BENEFITS OF SMILING:

1. Smiling changes our moods Next time you are feeling down, try putting on a smile. There’s a good chance your mood will change for the better. Smiling can trick the body into helping you change your mood.

2. Smiling Is Contagious When someone is smiling they lighten up the room, change the moods of others, and make things happier. A smiling person brings happiness with them. Smile lots and you will draw people to you.

3. Smiling Relieves Stress Stress can really show up in our faces. Smiling helps to prevent us from looking tired, worn down, and overwhelmed. When you are stressed, take time to put on a smile. The stress should be reduced and you’ll be better able to take action.

4. Smiling Boosts Your Immune System Smiling helps the immune system to work better. When you smile, immune function improves possibly because you are more relaxed. Prevent the flu and colds by smiling.

5. Smiling Releases Endorphins, Natural Pain Killers and Serotonin Studies have shown that smiling releases endorphins, natural pain killers, and serotonin. Together these three make us feel good. Smiling is a natural drug.

Everyone needs someone to talk to.

Just be there when someone feels lonely.

 You may not give an advice. You may not give reactions. You may not give an ice cream for feelings to get better. You may not give jokes to laugh off the situation. But being there when it matters, is all that matters.

Just be there. Sit beside that someone. Just listen. Then give a hug.

That’s it. It’s what comforting does. It spreads love. Making sure that someone who is very depressed and feels like the whole world is crashing down needs to be cheered. To be spirit-lifted. To feel that someone still cares and loves. And the world is not going to end. That we still have sunrises when we sunsets. And letting go means having something better. That goodbyes lead to new hellos. And endings are start of new beginnings. That when a door closes a window opens.

Just be there. And help someone take a step to move on. And SMILE.

Because happiness is contagious. That optimism is still a better idea. That smiling triggers happy chemicals from the brain to the body. That you are always ready to cheer someone up. To make someone feel that they’re on top of the world. That together you’ll stand. To encourage them that they’ve got so far. To never give them the options to surrender. For them to never give up. That they shape their life all they have to do is to be firm and face the world. That all they have to do is to keep holding on.

Just be there. Be by their side. And make someone feel that they’re not alone.

My Worst Nightmare.

My Worst Nightmare:

            That one day someone will take my spot. That one day, a boy will sit with you, smile with you, talk to you and have a good time with you. That one day, a boy will tell you how beautiful you are. That one day, a boy will realize how amazing you are. that one day, that boy will become your boyfriend. That one day, he will take my spot for good.  That one day, you will ignore me because you're busy dating him. That one day you will forget about me because you're busy thinking of him. Yeah, that scares me the most. Because I want to be that boy. I want to be your only boy. The one that you love. And I don't want anyone to take my place. Why ? Because if anyone takes that place, there won't be anyone else who can take yours ... Which probably going to be the worst reminder that I lost my spot to him. That I lost you. FOREVER. :(

FALLING FOR A FRIEND ?

Why do most people seem to fall for their friend at one point or another?

• It's because we see a great person. Someone who know us inside and out, someone who's been there when we were down, someone who knows what makes us laugh and what makes us cry, someone who cares.

• We see the perfect someone in our friend but what we don't see is that when we take the next step, they will turn into someone we never knew at all. 

Love Game.

You wanna play the game?
It’s like this.

We play around. We have fun. 

We share our secrets. We tell stories. 

We cry on each others shoulders. 

We hold hands. We think about forever.

But, We do not fall in love.

Because the first one who does, loses. :(




-- HAPPENING. Okay. Goodnight. :|

College.

1. Your friends will change a lot over the next four years. Let them.

2. Call someone you love back home a few times a week, even if just for a few minutes.

3. In college more than ever before, songs will attach themselves to memories. Every month or two, make a mix cd, mp3 folder, whatever - just make sure you keep copies of these songs. Ten years out, they’ll be as effective as a journal in taking you back to your favorite moments.

4. Take naps in the middle of the afternoon with reckless abandon.

5. Adjust your schedule around when you are most productive and creative. If you’re nocturnal and do your best work late at night, embrace that. It may be the only time in your life when you can.

6. If you write your best papers the night before they are due, don’t let people tell you that you “should be more organized” or that you “should plan better.” Different things work for different people. Personally, I worked best under pressure - so I always procrastinated… and always kicked ass (which annoyed my friends to no end). ;-) Use the freedom that comes with not having grades first semester to experiment and see what works best for you.

7. At least a few times in your college career, do something fun and irresponsible when you should be studying. The night before my freshman year psych final, my roommate somehow scored front row seats to the Indigo Girls at a venue 2 hours away. I didn’t do so well on the final, but I haven’t thought about psych since 1993. I’ve thought about the experience of going to that show (with the guy who is now my son’s godfather) at least once a month ever since.

8. Become friends with your favorite professors. Recognize that they can learn from you too - in fact, that’s part of the reason they chose to be professors.

9. Carve out an hour every single day to be alone. (Sleeping doesn’t count.)

10. Go on dates. Don’t feel like every date has to turn into a relationship.

11. Don’t date someone your roommate has been in a relationship with.

12. When your friends’ parents visit, include them. You’ll get free food, etc., and you’ll help them to feel like they’re cool, hangin’ with the hip college kids.

13. In the first month of college, send a hand-written letter to someone who made college possible for you and describe your adventures thus far. It will mean a lot to him/her now, and it will mean a lot to you in ten years when he/she shows it to you.

14. Embrace the differences between you and your classmates. Always be asking yourself, “what can I learn from this person?” More of your education will come from this than from any classroom.

15. All-nighters are entirely overrated.

16. For those of you who have come to college in a long-distance relationship with someone from high school: despite what many will tell you, it can work. The key is to not let your relationship interfere with your college experience. If you don’t want to date anyone else, that’s totally fine! What’s not fine, however, is missing out on a lot of defining experiences because you’re on the phone with your boyfriend/girlfriend for three hours every day.

17. Working things out between friends is best done in person, not over email. (IM does not count as “in person.”) Often someone’s facial expressions will tell you more than his/her words.

18. Take risks.

19. Don’t be afraid of (or excited by) the co-ed bathrooms. The thrill is over in about 2 seconds.

20. Wednesday is the middle of the week; therefore on wednesday night the week is more than half over. You should celebrate accordingly. (It makes thursday and friday a lot more fun.)

21. Welcome failure into your lives. It’s how we grow. What matters is not that you failed, but that you recovered.

22. Take some classes that have nothing to do with your major(s), purely for the fun of it.

23. It’s important to think about the future, but it’s more important to be present in the now. You won’t get the most out of college if you think of it as a stepping stone.

24. When you’re living on a college campus with 400 things going on every second of every day, watching TV is pretty much a waste of your time and a waste of your parents’ money. If you’re going to watch, watch with friends so at least you can call it a “valuable social experience.”

25. Don’t be afraid to fall in love. When it happens, don’t take it for granted. Celebrate it, but don’t let it define your college experience.

26. Much of the time you once had for pleasure reading is going to disappear. Keep a list of the books you would have read had you had the time, so that you can start reading them when you graduate.

27. Things that seem like the end of the world really do become funny with a little time and distance. Knowing this, forget the embarassment and skip to the good part.

28. Every once in awhile, there will come an especially powerful moment when you can actually feel that an experience has changed who you are. Embrace these, even if they are painful.

29. No matter what your political or religious beliefs, be open-minded. You’re going to be challenged over the next four years in ways you can’t imagine, across all fronts. You can’t learn if you’re closed off.

30. If you need to get a job, find something that you actually enjoy. Just because it’s work doesn’t mean it has to suck.

31. Don’t always lead. It’s good to follow sometimes.

32. Take a lot of pictures. One of my major regrets in life is that I didn’t take more pictures in college. My excuse was the cost of film and processing. Digital cameras are cheap and you have plenty of hard drive space, so you have no excuse.

33. Your health and safety are more important than anything.

34. Ask for help. Often.

35. Half of you will be in the bottom half of your class at any given moment. Way more than half of you will be in the bottom half of your class at some point in the next four years. Get used to it.

36. In ten years very few of you will look as good as you do right now, so secretly revel in how hot you are before it’s too late.

37. In the long run, where you go to college doesn’t matter as much as what you do with the opportunities you’re given there. The MIT name on your resume won’t mean much if that’s the only thing on your resume. As a student here, you will have access to a variety of unique opportunities that no one else will ever have - don’t waste them.

38. On the flip side, don’t try to do everything. Balance = well-being.

39. Make perspective a priority. If you’re too close to something to have good perspective, rely on your friends to help you.

40. Eat badly sometimes. It’s the last time in your life when you can do this without feeling guilty about it.

41. Make a complete ass of yourself at least once, preferably more. It builds character.

42. Wash your sheets more than once a year. Trust me on this one.

43. If you are in a relationship and none of your friends want to hang out with you and your significant other, pay attention. They usually know better than you do.

44. Don’t be afraid of the weird pizza topping combinations that your new friend from across the country loves. Some of the truly awful ones actually taste pretty good. Expand your horizons.

45. Explore the campus thoroughly. Don’t get caught.

46. Life is too short to stick with a course of study that you’re no longer excited about. Switch, even if it complicates things.

47. Tattoos are permanent. Be very certain.

48. Don’t make fun of prefrosh. That was you like 2 hours ago.

49. Enjoy every second of the next four years. It is impossible to describe how quickly they pass.

50. This is the only time in your lives when your only real responsibility is to learn. Try to remember how lucky you are every day.

-- Credits: Facebook.